Okay, so not literally but I realized this morning how much it is hurting me. I’m reading this book about shame and perfectionism. You don’t really think about how much this all hurts you, you just do. I am a perfectionist and today I realized all the things that I limit myself on because I know it won’t be perfect. See, I used to clean my house everyday, so great but was criticized for missing an area or not doing something to another’s standards. I was picked on as a kid for running slow (this one, I haven’t overcame as much as I thought). I haven’t tried so many things for fear of failure.
My house, I honestly don’t clean like I used to and many times, I am doing the scramble clean that many of us do. I realized recently that I have been beating myself up for not running and now realize that I am probably running even less because I feel I can’t run. Like my running is all the way back to square run and I failed. I know that this last year has taught me a lot and I have faced fears and went forward to try but part of that was the perfectionism taking over, as well. See I had not missed a run until the taper and that was only because I had to go to another event. I did not plan anything for those Saturdays because I was afraid to run that far on my own. I would have given up much sooner, if I did.
Sunday morning, I knew there was a great chance that I would finish with the injury I had and the pace that it created after. But I could not, not start. I had told everyone that I was running that marathon. I couldn’t let people down but not even starting. After the race, I even thought maybe I shouldn’t say anything about the 1/2 that I have planned in a few weeks, as then I don’t have to do it if I don’t want to. I feel like I’m starting over with everything again and really I should stay focused on the plan (perfectionism- plan it out, if you are going to fail, quit so there is no shame). I hold myself to this standard that is impossible to reach and then give up before failure. I don’t want to be made fun of or even hurt myself by being so disappointed. The thing is, I am so glad that I only did 12 miles on that run. It did teach me a lot. And oh my gosh the support that I’ve had since. It was not a failure, it was just imperfect and that is okay.
Yes, I’m learning this and have a long, long way to go to perfect the imperfect. Sorry bad joke.
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience- Colossians 3:12Sending All My Love!
Now tell me your story-